Dear Lynn Shepherd - I suggest you get a new pen name.

Okay, this rant was sparked by THIS article on HuffPo by one Lynn Shepherd. Who, by now, is probably wishing she'd listened to her friend's advice and NOT written this. Her books are being 1-stared left and right on the 'Zon now by people who never read them, using her own words against her.

TL;DR version: She disses the Harry Potter series despite admitting she's never read them, and laments that JK Rowling is the reason she's not selling books, because JK is just SO dang popular and adult readers are turning their minds to mush by not reading more gown-up fare.

I didn't much mind Rowling when she was Pottering about. I've never read a word (or seen a minute) so I can't comment on whether the books were good, bad or indifferent. I did think it a shame that adults were reading them (rather than just reading them to their children, which is another thing altogether), mainly because there's so many other books out there that are surely more stimulating for grown-up minds. But, then again, any reading is better than no reading, right? But The Casual Vacancy changed all that.

*gag*

Maybe we need to ask her when the funeral for her pen name is and all send flowers, because, damn, I can't think of a faster way to totally tank your career than to piss off a WORLD of readers by looking like a jealous, petty, wannabe hack.

My response?

Wow. Lynn, darling, you REALLY should have listened to your friend. You just totally tanked your pen name, you realize that, right?

This is THE best illustration, EVER, to newbie authors on what NOT to say in public and how NOT to piss off a world of readers and fellow writers. So thank you for that, at least. Your post probably spawned a metric shit-ton of blog posts on what NOT to do.

Instead of whining about successful writers, how about working on your craft and, oh, maybe on your people skills? From your article, I suspect I know EXACTLY why you aren't selling a lot of books. You come off as arrogant, jealous, petty, and judgmental. *shrugs* Just calling them as I see them.

Do I wish I was making JK's earnings? Sure. But instead of whining about how successful she is, I'm GLAD she and EL James and all the others are doing great. It means that reading is ALIVE AND WELL. Just because it's not your cuppa doesn't mean it's wrong.

I think you need to look in the mirror when you talk about people who should stop writing. You're obviously in it for all the wrong reasons.

Self-pubbing sh*t volcano. Yep, sums it up.

The ever-eloquent Chuck Wendig has another piece of awesomeness on his blog today about self-publishing. Not that he's against it, because as he says in his blog, he's also a self-pubber for some projects. But about WHY it's so important as a self-pubber to make sure you do it RIGHT.

Hire an editor, for chrissake. Pay for cover art.

He's absolutely right that there's a total flood of crap out there. I mean bad formatting, bad (or no) editing, etc.

If you want to practice, or publish something for free, go use Scribd or any number of other sites out there, hell, your own WP or Blogger site, for that. But if you want to be taken serious as an author, yes, quality DOES matter. Editing DOES matter. Covers DO matter.

And I'm sick and tired of hearing self-pubbers bitch about sales, and when I go look at their book, their cover sucks, their blurb is horrendous and full of errors (or, worse, is a sample), and then the sample is utter crap.

No one's saying you shouldn't self-publish. But do you turn your teenager loose on the highway with your car without making sure they know what the frak they're doing first? NO. No, no one dies if you publisher a shitty book--well, just your reputation with readers, your sales, and your potential career.

Do NOT use self-publishing as your editing service. Readers do NOT appreciate it when you charge them money and them ask them to correct your manuscript. That's like the plumber coming to your house and standing on the sidelines while YOU take a dive into your own septic tank, and then he charges YOU for the privilege.

So go visit Chuck's blog post. Right now.

Right. Fracking. Now.

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2014/02/03/slushy-glut-slog-why-the-self-publishing-shit-volcano-is-a-problem/

Thou Shalt Nots on Facebook for authors.

I hear authors, usually newer authors, complaining about Facebook all the time. Either their page got shut down, or they were kicked from a group, or whatever. Sometimes, yes, there is no logical explanation.

But.

Frequently, I've seen authors who run afoul of Facebook and other Facebook users for the following "infractions." Some are violations of Facebook's TOS, and some are just violations of basic etiquette. And so I present to you "the list" of the most common things you SHOULD NOT FUCKING DO on Facebook.

Note: It DOES NOT MATTER that Facebook allows you/gives you the ability/encourages you to do some of these things. It's one thing to be an average person using Facebook. You're an AUTHOR. Grow the fuck up and take some personal responsibility and quit whining about getting spanked in the bad way for violating what are pretty basic guidelines for acceptable behavior as an author.

1. Do NOT add people to a Facebook group without asking them first. Using the "invite" feature actually adds them. (The proper way? Post a LINK to the group to your page/profile and let people opt-in.)
2. Do NOT go through other people's friends lists and send out masses of friend requests.
3. Do NOT send out mass invites for people to like your pages. (The proper way? Post a LINK for the page to your page or to your profile and let people opt-in.)
4. Do NOT go to the profile of someone who just accepted your friend request/friended you and post a link -- ANY LINK -- to your book/page/profile/crap. That's RUDE. Do not private message them, either. I don't care what excuse you're using, STOP IT. Do NOT ask them to go visit your page/profile/book listing/website and ask them to like something. (The proper way? Send them a thank you -- NO LINKS -- for the friend connection. That's IT.)
5. Do NOT go to someone's profile or page and post links to YOUR crap without getting permission FIRST. That's the equivalent of going and slapping a billboard on someone's house without asking permission. STOP IT.
6. Do NOT get pissy if someone doesn't immediately go and like something you posted.
7. Do NOT ask for or expect reciprocal likes/links to your crap.
8. Do NOT join a group and immediately begin posting promo. (Make SURE you look through any pinned posts or files to see if they have rules about promo.) Obviously, this doesn't apply if the group invites people to promote, but make SURE you clarify that FIRST.
9. Do NOT post stuff without proofreading it first. No one wants to buy a book from an author whose social media page looks like a third-grader runs it.
10. Do NOT use your profile to heavily promote your crap. Use a page. (Facebook is now frequently coming down on authors with pen names whose profiles are set up under their pen names and not their real names, which means you lose that platform if they shut down your profile.) Set up your page and have at least two full admins on it, such as your pen name profile and your private profile. (I blogged about another reason for it here.)
11. Do NOT post non-stop promo (yes, ties in with #10). Post at least 75% (or more) NON-promo stuff. Humor. Writing quotes. Recipes. What you had for dinner. Pictures of your cats. Pictures of your dogs. Whatever. Post no more (preferably less than) 25% promo-ish (pimping your crap) stuff. (Facebook is seriously cracking down on people who use their profiles to sell stuff.)
12. Do NOT post raging diatribes when you get kicked out of a group/unfriended by someone. It makes you look like a seriously deranged whacko.
13. Do NOT post diatribes against fellow authors/publishers, especially not by name. Again, makes you look like the crazy one.
14. Do NOT post negative reviews about other authors/books. Readers hate that, it makes you look petty, and it will adversely impact your sales.
15. Do NOT sit there and keep track of who is or isn't in your group (if you have one) or who has/hasn't liked your page. Seriously, don't you have better things to do with your time?
16. Do NOT send out mass invites to events. (The proper way? As with pages and groups, post a LINK to your page/profile.)
17. Do NOT send out game invites from your author profile. Stop it. Just FUCKING STOP IT. A lot of people do NOT play games. Are you there to be an author or play games? Save the games for your private profile and personal friends/family.
18. Do NOT get pissy with someone if they don't share your stuff when you shared theirs. Just quietly remember it and stop sharing their stuff. It's NOT a contest. Grow up.
19. Do NOT flounce. In other words, if you need to leave a group or unfriend someone, just fucking do it and be an adult. Don't go all ragey or preachy and explain WHY you're leaving/unfriending someone. Just fucking unfriend them. Giving them a sermon as to why you're doing it, honestly, will likely just piss them off more. (And keep in mind, you might NOT be in the right, and if you realize that at some point in the future, it makes it harder to refriend/rejoin while you're shoveling down that mountain of crow pie you have to eat at the same time.)
20. Do NOT stay a member of groups/friends with people who negatively impact your experience. You are NOT required to friend anyone or stay in a group. If someone asks, you're not required to explain. If you feel a need to explain, use the, "Sorry, time/family/job constraints" excuse, and Let. It. Go.
21. Do NOT sit there and like your own stuff. That makes you look needy and pathetic. Despite a popular myth making the rounds, it does NOT make your stuff hit the Facebook algorithm better if you like your own posts. If you find people aren't liking your stuff, guess what? Maybe it's because you haven't given them a REASON TO LIKE IT, or you.
22. Do NOT hijack other people's threads with links to your page/crap. If they didn't invite promo in the thread, it's RUDE to post your promo.
23. Do NOT hit people up out of thin air to promo your crap on their page/profile/website. Get to know them first. Ask them if they have promo opps, and if you can do reciprocal promo. If they say no, thank them POLITELY, and walk away. Do NOT be a pissy asshole about it, do NOT bug them about it. You don't know why they said no, it could be for ANY number of reasons NOT relating to you. (If a lot of people tell you no, however, be honest with yourself that it MIGHT be you and re-examine what you're doing.)
24. Do NOT bitch how pissy Facebook is if your profile keeps getting shut down. Chances are, YOU are doing something wrong. Own it, face up to it, and QUIT DOING IT. Biggest offenses? Spamming groups, mass-adding people to groups, posting questionable pics (just because you don't think it's porn doesn't mean other people won't think that).

The DO list:

1. DO try to go through the birthday list on the home feed page every day and send at least a simple "Happy Birthday!" message to people. They really appreciate it when their favorite authors do stuff like that.
2. DO feel free to share other authors' new releases, good news, etc. IF YOU WANT TO. (You are NOT obligated to do so.)
3. DO try to post some positive things, even if it's only sharing a funny picture or positive quote.
4. DO be human. You're not a robot. Yes, if you have a bad day and need to vent about something, do it, but do it in a way that doesn't make you look like an asshole. If you have a day job, keep in mind they might be monitoring your profile/page, so never post anything that would reflect badly on them and jeopardize your job.
5. DO set your friends list to private, viewable only by you. This keeps trolls from trolling your friends list.
6. DO engage with your readers. Ask them how they are. Get into discussions.
7. DO feel free to pimp out stuff/books/TV shows/movies you genuinely enjoyed.
8. DO remember that you are on Facebook first to SOCIALIZE. If you forget that, and make selling your priority, you will find your sales will fall.
9. DO remember that there are REAL people on the other end of the computer connection.
10. DO unfriend/block people/leave groups who are negatively impacting your experience on Facebook. (For example, if they post political stuff you don't agree with all the time, or are always bitching about others, etc.) You are not required to stay friends with someone.
11. DO have fun. Why would a reader want to connect with someone who does nothing but the equivalent of scream, "Buy my book!" at them all the time?
12. DO make friends with readers. They are NOT sales commodities, they are PEOPLE. They will be far more likely to buy your book and pimp your book for you if they LIKE YOU. Do you pimp businesses that you hate? No? Would you do business with someone trying to force-sell you something when you've never heard of them before and aren't even sure you need their services? NO? Well WHY WOULD YOU DO IT TO PEOPLE WITH YOUR BOOK??? (Yes, that was screaming.)
13. DO be a good online neighbor. Be chatty and friendly. Not saying you have to be on there every day for hours every day, but if you look at your feed over time and see little but negativity, guess what? Others WILL notice that. So take the time to be nice. Be friendly. Give kudos to others. Take a few steps back from the promo and post something other than "BUY MY SHIT" kinds of posts.
14. DO thank people when they tag you, or at least try to "like" what they tagged you in. Especially if it's readers tagging you/your books.
15. DO have a private profile that's separate from your author profile and ONLY for friends/family/real-world coworkers, and ONLY friend people you actually know on that profile. This is for your protection, as well as the protection of your family. There are crazy people out there now.
16. DO use a page as your main "author page," set the page custom URL to your pen name, and direct people THERE with all your links. Be careful with friending people on your author profile, especially if you write romance/erotica. There are a LOT of people now trolling romance/erotica authors, friending them, and then reporting their profiles as "offensive." You can set pages to over 18 years of age to keep minors off them, and there's more leniency for pages than there is for profiles in terms of promoting things for sale. Also, there are no limits to "likes" on pages, whereas there is an arbitrary 5k cap on friends for profiles.

If you have any other DO or DO NOT tips for Facebook, feel free to post them in the comments.

Kristen Lamb is a social media GURU for authors. You absolutely MUST read her book Rise of the Machines: Human Authors in a Digital World. And her blog is located here. Why have you not subscribed yet???

Can I use song lyrics in a book?

Short Answer: No. (Not without written--and usually expensive--permission.)

Long Answer: Because songs are so short, "fair use" doesn't apply to them the same way it does to other written works. Song titles can be used, because you cannot copyright a title. However, you have to be careful how you do that if the title is a distinctive line from the song. If you reference it as lyrics and not as the title, it can bite you in the ass.

(NOTE: A friend of mine said that in some countries, it's NOT okay to use the titles. This post is for US writers, so be careful and do your research.)

The exception to using lyrics is if a song is old enough to be in the public domain. As in, it was written before 1923. Again, do your research.

But, but, I WANNA use song lyrics! 

Then make up your own. (You are a writer, are you not?) Make up an artist and song (with title) that expresses what you want to say, but in a different way than the popular song you want to quote. Or use JUST the title. Here's the thing: remember that in ten or twenty years, or whatever, the song and artist might be virtually unknown. You're far better off making up your own lyrics, which you can then publish in its entirety in the book without repercussions.

See the following links for more information:

Writer's Digest

Anne R. Allen

Robin's Nest

A Bad Publishing Contract Deconstructed

I posted a 3-part series on my website, where I deconstructed a really bad publishing contract that apparently a couple of small, start-up digital-first/POD publishers are using as their model contract.

And it's pretty bad.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

Another reason why authors should use Facebook pages and not profiles.

A follow-up to my last post about Facebook pages versus profiles for authors. This morning, in a private publisher group, one of my fellow authors posted a warning about someone whose stated age on their profile was only 15, yet they were having a friend-fest friending erotic romance authors.

Ahem.

Ignoring the whole parental supervision issue, there is a larger issue: many erotic romance authors had accepted friend requests FROM A MINOR. Think about that for a moment.

I know some erotic romance authors post naughty pictures on their profiles.

Sit and think about that for a moment. There could be legal ramifications to that.

When I went and looked at the profile in question, I personally pegged it as a religious troll, because the only other post on there was a graphic with the caption, "God sees all."

Yes, unfortunately, there are religious trolls out there who will friend romance authors and then report the profiles to Fb.

I admit I rarely accept friend requests any more, and it's even more rare I send a friend request. It's for several reasons, the first being that I'm over the 4k mark on friends. The second being I just went a couple of rounds with a stalker. The third being crap like this.

With a Facebook page, you can set age and even location restrictions on your page. This means you can promo the crap out of your Facebook link without worrying about an account held by a minor (if they haven't lied about their age) accessing your page.

This is also another excellent remind to everyone to set your friends list to PRIVATE. Because I guarantee you, this troll went down friends lists of people who friended her and started mass-friending people. If your friends list is set to private, people cannot do that. Do you open your phone contacts to the general population? No? Then why open your friends list the same way?

Pages, people. Pages. Set up a page, grab the custom url from Facebook to match your pen name, and use that as your main Facebook link. It will save you headaches like this in the long run, because unfortunately there are people out there more interested in causing erotic romance authors problems than dealing with their own lives.

Why authors should use a Facebook Page and not a Profile.

I see the the debate go back and forth about Facebook. Unfortunately, I see a lot of authors misusing Facebook. That's a whole series of posts right there.

But as an author, especially if you're a romance or erotica author, you need to use a page and promote that rather than your profile.

Why?

Because lately, Facebook is getting wiggy and cracking down on authors who promote "adult" material. Now, in some of the cases, the crackdown was triggered by pictures posted on their profile that someone complained about.

In some cases, there were complaints about the profile itself, and because the writer was promoting "adult material," or because it was a "fake name" (ie pen name) they locked down the account.

This is one of the many reasons you need a PAGE.

You only get (as of right now) five thousand friends on a profile. Yes, you can have more than that with followers, but only 5k friends. Pages do not have that limitation.

Pages have metrics that profiles don't have. This is useful to see trends of likes to postings, new page likes, etc.

You can set pages to restrict ages (great for erotica authors).

You can get private messages through pages, people can comment on pages (or you can set them to not be able to comment). There are lots of features you can use on pages. You can even get the custom urls for them like you can profiles.

If Facebook yanks your page (and they have page designation categories for books, etc.) then, guess what? You STILL have your account. You start a new page.

If Facebook yanks your PROFILE... Well, you're totally starting over from scratch. There is a troubling increase lately in religious trolls who are friending romance and erotica authors and then reporting their profiles to Facebook just because.

I wish I was making that up.

If pages had been around when I first got my Facebook account, I would have used it from the start. You can interact with people on your page like you can on your profile. But it also allows you a little bit of protection.

So, seriously, get yourself a page for your pen name, and use THAT as your Facebook platform. Lock down your author profile so it's viewable by friends ONLY, lock down your friends list so ONLY you can see it, lock down your details as much as possible for privacy. Be VERY careful who you friend on Facebook, and please, do NOT spam people when you friend them/they friend you with a "please like my stuff" kind of message. Do NOT do that. It's rude, and it's tacky. It's like meeting someone at a party and they hand you a business card and say, "I sell insurance, you can come in tomorrow at 2pm for a portfolio review, right?"

Seriously. It's the SAME DAMN THING.

So knock it the fuck off.

Stop sending PMs to people with requests to like or buy your stuff. Quit sending invites to your pages. (Posting notices about asking people to like things to YOUR page/profile is okay. That's YOUR real estate. Don't put it on THEIR page or profile or PM.)

And get yourself over to Kristen Lamb's blog and buy her book Rise of the Machines, about social media for authors. Stop being your own worst enemy in terms of self-promotion.

And treat your readers like FRIENDS, NOT like commodities or customers. If you let them get to know you, they will eventually buy your stuff. But trying to force-feed it to them is only asking for trouble.

Worldbuilding 101

Whether you're writing a contemporary novel or a fantasy set in a make-believe realm, there's always going to be some aspect of "worldbuilding" to your writing. How extensive it has to be depends on your story.

Here are some helpful links to...well, help. Enjoy.

Chuck Wendig's terribleminds blog: 25 Things You Should Know About Worldbuilding
Belinda Crawford: A World-building Template for When You're on the Go
Belinda Crawford: The World-building Leviathan and a Scrivener Template
Holly Lisle: How Much of My World Do I Build?
Victoria Strauss: An Impatient Writer's Approach to World Building
Rebecca Zanetti: Five Blunders Authors Make in World-Building
Mellanie Szereto: Worldbuilding
Washington Romance Writers: Worldbuilding for Writers
SFWA: Fantasy Worldbuilding Questions
Sisters in Crime: One Writer's World-Building Tools

Grammar...it matters.

Just ran across a book blurb on Facebook for a book due out on 9/20.

Be proud of me, I didn't shame them publicly.

They wrote that the main character was born to "heroine addicted parents."

*blink*

*blink*

You know, I could have asked in the comments, "Which one? Wonder Woman? Batgirl? She-Hulk?" But...I didn't. I sent the poster a polite PM pointing out the error. Because, based on the blurb, I'm guessing the term "heroin-addicted parents" probably comes up more than once, and the word "heroin" might have been mistakenly replaced by "heroine" more than once if the mistake was made in the blurb.

And it was not the only error in the blurb. Based on the blurb, no way would I buy the book, if it had that many errors in it.

This is why, self-published authors, you MUST ENGAGE THE SERVICES OF AN EDITOR!!!! If you don't, and you don't know your "heroine" from your "heroin," you might likely find yourself ridiculed (with only yourself to blame).

And if you don't know why "heroine addicted parents" is in NO way a suitable replacement for "heroin-addicted parents?" Well, bunky, then you really need to go back to school.

No, I'm not perfect. This is why I'm the FIRST person to know I NEED an editor. And I've been repeatedly told by editors that my edits are usually pretty clean. So if someone like ME knows I need an editor, then why would anyone feel they are above the services of an editor?

And no, I'm also not playing "Mean Girls" here. I'm trying to point out why you cannot get your panties in a twist if you are responsible for making a totally stupid, totally juvenile, and totally PREVENTABLE mistake in something you are putting out to SELL TO THE PUBLIC.

Don't turn your Alphas into A$$holes.

There's a disturbing trend as of late in romance and erotica books, of trying to push the envelope with "bad boys," or "dominant Alpha men."

Unfortunately, I've had an inordinately high number of DNF's  (did not finish) books over the past couple of months (no, I'm NOT going to name authors or books) where the hero was supposed to be some Alpha dude, and he actually comes off as an asshole.

#authorfail

Usually, this was because we didn't begin to see any kind of a redeeming feature in the hero until later in the book, if at all. And in many cases, if there was a "redeeming" moment, I missed it completely because I couldn't stand the hero and DNF'd the book.

Authors, you need to remember your readers do NOT know your characters the way YOU know them. YOU might know the hero isn't an asshole, and if they'll just hold on until later in the book, you'll prove it.

Unfortunately, if you wait that long to show the bad boy's snuggle-muffin side, you're really risking losing the reader.

Here's how you handle it: You need to show, either BEFORE the hero meets the heroine, or as soon as possible after (meaning IMMEDIATELY after) the hero's softer side. Whether it's you show him going in to volunteer at a Hospice house, or he rescues a kitten from a drainage ditch, or he does SOMETHING honorable/valiant/squee-worthy/"awww" worthy -- SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Because, believe me, if the heroine comes away from the first meeting thinking he's a douche nozzle, chances are your readers will, too. So you'd best salvage that bad boy's rep ASAP, or you'll be scratching your head over reader comments later saying how they'd like to roast his balls.

The hero MUST have an honorable streak of SOME sort. He MUST have a reason for us to like him. Even Hannibal-freaking-Lecter, A SERIAL KILLER, had people rooting for him!!!!

Let me repeat that. A SERIAL KILLER.

HAD US ROOTING.

FOR HIM!!!!

Yes, I'm shouting.

Why do we like Hannibal Lecter, besides Sir Anthony Hopkins' brilliant portrayal of him in the movie? Because he has his own twisted code of honor. If you're not rude to him, chances are, you won't end up on his dinner plate. He plays by a set of rules.

He's a freaking SERIAL KILLER.

And yet we root for him.

Have I drilled this through your head yet?

Here's what you need to ask yourself, and I mean REALLY ask yourself. If you met your hero on the street, and knew NOTHING else about him, and he interacted with you the way he interacts with your heroine, would you like him, or would you call him a fucking piece of smelly toe cheese and tell him to go fuck himself?

Quit whining. Seriously, quit fucking whining about this. I don't CARE what his noble intentions are. If I toss the book thirty seconds after he pulls his Sir Douchey of Cunttown act, it doesn't matter HOW much you redeem him in the last chapter of the book, because I've already chucked it and considered adding you to my "authors to never ever read again" list.

And here's another thing to ponder. If readers see your heroine FALLING for Tom Twatwaffle, they're going to seriously question her intelligence and self-esteem, and they'll want to slap the everlovin' crap out of her. Meaning you'll have a book where readers hate BOTH your hero and heroine.

NOT a recipe for success.

So if you're going to write a bad boy, introduce him FIRST. Make us LIKE him FIRST. Invest us in HIM. Then let him trip into the heroine during their first meeting and give us a REASON to see why he acts like a fucking tool to her. Then you'll have us rooting for HER to see the same goodness in him that we do, and you'll amp up the tension in the process, because we'll be biting our nails hoping they do get their shit together, and that he is able to drop the Dick Dilweed act for her and they'll end up with an HEA we can all love.

Got it? Good.

Now please, please, PEASE stop writing bad-boy-redeemed-in-final-chapter books! Kthxbai!